19th
jared allen
the other night, while out at an establishment enjoying myself, i was harassed by a group of mulletists. they kept yelling something at me but it didn’t resemble any insult i’d heard in the first few weeks of my experiment.
“hey, it’s jared allen!”
“hey jared!
“jared allen! jared allen!!”
they were referring, of course, to the all-pro defensive end who plays for the minnesota vikings. since going public with his follicular orientation, allen has become a noted mullet evangelist (mullevangelist) and trailblazer in the struggle for a more harmonic relationship between mulleted and non-mulleted americans. (for proof, check out the link below)
allen stresses that a mullet is not “just a haircut” — rather, it is a way of life — an identity. perhaps jared and i will sit down sometime and discuss the ups and downs of the business/party tension he knows so well. but that’s another story for another day.
what irked me about the comparison was the underlying implication — that all mulleted-americans look the same.
let’s look at the facts:
i am six foot four.
jared allen is six foot six — a full two inches taller than me.
he weighs 270 pounds.
actually, i weigh about 270 as well… but most of it isn’t muscle.
the party portion of jared’s mullet has a lot of bitchin’ natural curl.
i can’t achieve that sort of curl without putting a pound of product in my hair.
jared allen sacks quarterbacks for a living.
i play football once a year with buddies from high school and can’t walk right for a week.
i could go on… but you get the point. we look nothing alike. it’s possible jared and I would enjoy a concert/light beer/camaro cruise together, but that doesn’t make us the same person, does it?
when you see the world with mulletistic eyes, it does.
when you are so blinded by hate that all you see is a mullet, i probably do look like jared allen — and he looks like me.
and we both look like billy ray cyrus.
today marks the one month anniversary of my BIFPIB transformation. as the back of my hair grows longer, i can only hope my courage will keep pace.
your support — and the support of high-profile mullevangelists like jared allen — makes all the difference.
-BIFPIB-
