3rd
mustache wearers: mulleted americans in hiding?
with regard to mullets, you can break most of society into three groups:
group 1 — fake mulletists (mullet-supporters in denial)
some suggest wearing a mullet makes me a ‘hipster’ seeking some sort of perverse attention — others accuse me of attempting what they call a ‘fashion mullet’ — and there are still those who claim that my hair is not yet a mullet.
this breed of critic doesn’t threaten me. something simply hasn’t worked out for them and they’ve chosen to fill the mullet-shaped hole in their hearts with faux contempt.
to the fake mulletists i say: when you are ready to embrace your inner mullet, i will be waiting outside the thrift store where you buy your too-tight jeans. i’ll be the one in the camaro. ‘panama’ by van halen will be blaring through the t-tops. we will embrace, all will be forgiven, and then we will drive around drinking light beer and giving each other shameless high fives.
group 2 — true mulletists
true mulletists are people who truly cannot stand the sight of a mullet on any man, woman or child’s head. they might curse, point or vomit, but they will certainly not waste time developing bizarre theories about the ‘personal gain’ or ‘ironic pleasure’ wearing a mullet brings someone. they see no value in the mullet. the BIFPIB lifestyle threatens them on a very real and foundational level. they find the coexistence of business & party mindsets atop one’s head neither stylish nor ‘funny’.
true mulletists want only one thing — to see every mulleted american get a haircut.
group 3 — people who are sporting / have sported mullets
despite the fact that i am a member of this group, i know the least about it. why? because there are barely any of us left. on some level i knew this going in. i suppose it was part of the motivation for the experiment — to feel for myself what i couldn’t ask someone else about.
but seriously, where are all the mulleted americans? i don’t necessarily mean those who are wearing mullets today, but rather, the throngs who were rocking to the BIFPIB beat when it was safer to do so. where have you gone?
it’s possible (probable) that many of these people now consider themselves ‘cured’ of their mullet-ness. maybe someone somewhere prayed for them. or maybe they had a counseling session with a therapist and emerged ‘changed’ — confident that they were no longer a threat to the so-called ‘sanctity of hairdos’…
but they’re out there. possibly even hiding behind a disguise of some sort. a more subtle sort of expression. something ‘safe for work’ and ‘okay to wear around children’ — something the neighbors won’t talk about — something that can be easily removed for an important meeting or family photo without taking years to grow back.
something like a mustache.
what if that’s it? what if yesterday’s mulleted americans are today’s mustache wearers?
it’s a theory worth exploring.
-BIFPIB-
